The 3rd Decade Disquisition

I have wildly attempted multiple times to write a blog post worthy of a brand new decade. Each attempt felt stagnant or halted or quite frankly like I drank cheap wine and cough syrup (also the cheap stuff) and decided to write a post. A few times I came damn close, as though I had finally figured it out, comprising a winning fete of words and wit that only a shiny new 30 year old could muster.

And each time I went back to primp and prime the final edit, something came up that set it back to the drawing board. Something that made the whole world stop and watch, sitting bewildered and shocked. 

Is it just me,

or does the World finally seem like it's given up?

Nearly daily mass shootings.

Urgent, ignored warnings of the impending disaster that is our unhealthy Earth collapsing in on itself.

Mean, nasty, defensive, self-righteous thoughts and words that smear the digital atmosphere -- a space that often feels of bearing more importance than the one of reality.

Children who grow up in dirty, sh**ty places where simple memories of bedtime stories and colorful spaces and silly friends will never be a part of their childhood.

Veterans and people with disabilities who sleep on cold, concrete slabs and never know when their next meal is coming.

I could go on.

To be honest, I've spent the last several weeks in a state of emotional purgatory; feeling anxious and overwhelmed, yet apathetic and defeated... trying to stay hopeful and present in the moment... trying to keep a smile on my face and trying to see the good in small situations to keep from ruminating over the scary events happening in the world at-large.

Every time I'd get excited about a new idea or new opportunity, a new piece of bad news would hit the airwaves and suddenly it felt stupid or void of meaning. "What's the point" was the constant mantra floating in my head. Why put heart and soul into something that wouldn't survive our own-self destruction? 

Here I was in a wonderful new place in my life, and I couldn't scrounge up the energy or will to enjoy the new possibilities sitting right in front of me.
It felt selfish to wallow in negative thoughts and feelings of helplessness and doom, but I couldn't pull myself out of it.

And through the noise of it all, I knew avoidance and distractions weren't the strategies I needed to get through.

I could spend an entire post lamenting the tortured and fractured soul of humanity. 

But stating the obvious isn't what I'm interested in.

What's not-so obvious is the call to action for positive impact. Between the screaming and fighting heard and seen and felt in so many levels of our surroundings, it feels like our only choices are to hide and ignore or get angry and fight back.

It's not.

I'm here to tell you that at the ripe young age of 30, I've finally discovered the secret:

It starts with simply with each of us.
The unique "You."

Not the sugar-coated, "be-whatever-you-want-to-be!," perfectly styled "you."
No, not your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Not your professor.

Not your boss.

Not that a**hole who cut you off in traffic.

Not that old lady who got in your way at the grocery store.

It's that messy-haired, "I'm freaked out, but I know I can do this!", friend-loving, family supporting You.

There is a wonderful, authentic truth to all of us - and that's where we start to shine a little brightness back into this clouded, hazy world.

Listen, I know it's totally crunchy granola, but discovering your "You" is the only thing that makes sense. When I stopped making excuses and being mad at everything and everyone who "got in my way" and started to explore where my gut was trying to take me, Life started to change. In some big ways. More importantly, it did so in some small, crucial ways that didn't make sense until way later. I had to make amends with the bitter, nervous, lose-at-no-cost person I created because I thought that's what the world needed of me. I had to let go of things I couldn't control. I had to look into the hollow, endless hole that was my fear and geronimo right into the middle of it. I had to have faith my hard-work, my support network, and my intentions were going to work out.

There were some bruises and scrapes to my ego in that leap, no doubt. But ultimately, there were my favorite people waiting on the other side with hugs and high fives. There were people I didn't even know who gave a hoot about my plunge, standing there in the crowd, too. And there was that image of my third-grade self, squealing in her confident, impish joy. 

The move to our new home on the coast has brought a much needed time for reflection and regrouping. The opportunity to be here is a gift John and I have vowed never to take for granted. It's time to let go of the things in my past that did me NO good and start discovering my opportunities here. It's magical and wonderful and a little weird to think we made our dream happen (with some Devine interventions and pushes from pals along the way, of course) -- but the work is just starting, my friends.

To those of you in a crux of self-discovery, a period of self-doubt, or feeling out-of-sorts, I swear to the mother of Meatloaf that you hold more answers than you realize. Your intuition is a serious force to be reckoned with; it's a path you'll have to let faith take over to see it for what it is (for us Type-A, plan-everything-out, get-'ish-done kind of people - we're going to have to work a little harder at that).

You don't need to "change" or "be better at _x_" or "wish you had _y_."

You need be honest with You.
Acknowledge your fears.
Say you're sorry to the people you've not been nice to.
Give in a little bit.
Push a little harder.
Focus on what abilities and capabilities and gifts you DO have.
Don't waste time on the things you don't -- seriously, that's energy and time you'll never get back.
Declare it and share it and get excited about whatever "it" may be.

And know it won't come quickly.
It won't come easily.
It will be scary and awkward and aggravating.

But I can guarantee you:
It will come with amazing new people in your life.
Things that seems stupid and cliche will make sense.
The present will feel more real than it ever has.
And you'll discover that your power towards making positive impact, as small or insignificant it seems at first, is still crucial to the overall force needed to make this world spin a little bit brighter.
And that no wine is too cheap to help when things get tough (just not good for writing blog posts).

So that's 30, folks.
Maybe all those self-help articles and yoga classes are paying off.
Or all that wine is finally catching up.

Either way, I'll take it.
Gratefully.

Hugs & High Fives,
C