Group Projects: Welcome to My Nightmare

(*Original post date: Sat, June 25th)
The following is a long read, but I promise it's highly entertaining... the sadistic kind, where it's hilarious because it's SO illogical... it's summer, you have time to read: No excuses! =P

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Just as I'm convinced Heaven is a melded collection of our very most favorite moments, people, and things in life, I truly believe our Hell is just the opposite. Times a bajillion. Yup, everything in our earthly life that terrified, irritated, confused, overwhelmed, and generally thrust us into full-on psycho panic-attack mode and haunted our dreams will be awaiting us in the Underworld, should that be our fate. My Hell? I'll have a perpetual cheap booze hangover, everyday will be welcomed by the excruciating "my period just started" cramps, my coffee will be eternally scorching hot and taste like dog doo, I'll be stuck in traffic with soccer moms in big stupid suburbans and 90 year old ladies in Oldsmobiles everywhere I go, I will spill said scorching dog-doo coffee all over everything, there will be screaming toddlers and sweaty old fat men with phlegmy coughs EVERYWHERE, and it'll always be Sunday before a big exam I'm wholly not prepared for, and worse, I'll constantly crave Chic-Fil-A and can't have it. But NOTHING -- do you hear me? -- NOTHING will even begin to compare to the worst torture of them all: GROUP PROJECTS.

Yes, my friends, I'm living my Hell.

RIGHT NOW.

Taking my current summer class was a bad idea for a number of reasons; but the group project assignment (that I should mention is worth 50% of our grade - not a joke - and was given to us TWO WEEKS before the assignment was due) should've sent me running to the Bursars Office to demand my money - and my summer - back. Need I also remind you, this is GRADUATE level class with "professional" level students... and aside from a few folks who actually give a flippin' hoot about this class, the rest of my "colleagues" make me feel like I'm banished to summer school with the rest of the delinquents. So far in my group project, I've dealt with the following:

1) One student completely plagiarized their section; when confronting the student, they responded: "Well, I was just stating the facts." YEAH, clearly you were because you COPIED & PASTED pieces to your section and DIDN'T EVEN CHANGE THE FONT or cite properly (c'mooon, EZ Mac is more frustrating that APA). Oh, and when we set the minimum of 4 pages (that's right people: FOUR pages, not fourteen, not forty, not even FIVE), we get back 3 double-spaced pages and one sentence hanging on the fourth page. With a BIG picture in the middle. MY section? 5 pages, single spaced.

2) The student who was asked to write the introduction started off with a run-on sentence that went on for three lines and had NOTHING to do with the project. The student ended the intro paragraph with: "So today we're going to talk about..."Needless to say, I completely re-wrote it.

3) One student used Wikipedia as a source. WIKIPEDIA, people. Even the freshmen class I TA'd for this past year knew better than that.

4) After staying up late EVERY night this week to get my part done, sent out for feedback, and prepare for editing and creating the Ppt presentation, I sent out a list of notes, suggestions, helpful links, and examples based off of what the assignment called for. Then I get this super lovely email back from one of my team members:

"Celia dear,
I am trying not to get upset but I have a few issues with the way this group project is being handled.
First, I have noticed that you have given directions to everyone but Andrew. The only reason my name is not included in this e-mail is because I get my instructions separately in other e-mails.[*] Or was I the "and everbody"?

Secondly, if you want to write this paper yourself please let us know as I prefer not to waste my time. What I will NOT do is spend my time writing my part only to have you rewrite it.
Finally, there is a difference between giving suggestions to be helpful and trying to get people to do things the way you want them done. You are not giving ideas in your message below but a to-do list for certain portions of the paper. We are all graduate students who have different areas of expertise which makes us all assets to this group and project.

In conclusion, I have three degrees[**] on my wall (including a law degree) and I am about to get another. This means I actually passed a bar in my lifetime. Please do not assume that I lack the intelligence to complete a group project. I may be wrong but this is the message that is being conveyed with these e-mails."

(Did I mention this particular student has a religious quote in their email signature and said they couldn't turn in their information by Sunday because they're busy with church?)

So I called this student IMMEDIATELY to apologize for my "mis-conveyed message" and explain my intentions and ask how I could make it up to them, and this person sat quietly on the phone (after pretending not to know who I was even though I called within 5min of the email they sent). While I think it cleared the air enough to move forward, I realized there some people who are just all-around bad people and they're not going to change. OH, and as the old saying goes: "Never confuse eduction with intelligence."

*Side note: the "separate emails"? YEAH, they were a link to a document I found that I thought was relevant to their section and eventually put in the notes to EVERYONE to check out.

**Facebook comment from Melissa V.: "Nice bragging about your three degrees - you may pay for school but you can't buy class!" So hilarious and so true, Melissa!

In a series of rage-filled rant sessions with fellow grad program crony and summer class prisoner, Becky W. (who is stranded in a notoriously bad group herself), I asked if she'd contribute to a post about our explicit and overwhelming disgust and disdain for group projects. The following interview I'm sure will conjure up some serious empathy for group project victims all over the world:

Describe group projects in ONE word:
Despair.

What is the worst thing about group projects?
The range of emotions that come from the assignment. Rage, fear, despair, loss, FURY, pity followed by wallowing, the binge eating, starvation due to stress, OH THE STRESS, contemplation of dropping the class, followed by the numbers crunch- figuring out how low of a grade you can get and still pass the class.

Describe some of your more memorable project members:
Well, there was the girl who pulled the "my computer crashed while I was driving five minutes (ps, she ended up being an hour and thirty minutes late to our meeting) before I was supposed to meet with you to compile our paper." She wept openly in TCoop and glared at us as she "rewrote" her paper. I didn't pity the fool and made a scene unleashing my fury at her in a rage-filled rant of her inadequacies in the middle of the library. She cried. Again.

Too bad she never emailed us her paper earlier before the crash, as requested. Also amazing, was how her computer resurrected itself after she realized we wouldn't write her paper.


Of your "list of things you hate in life", where does "group projects" rank?

Somewhere between getting stuck next to screaming babies on a 15 hour plane ride and the feeling after your computer crashes without a back-up.

Name three things you'd do to get out of a group project:

1. Bribery through baked goods, alcohol, dog walking, etc.

2. Naming my first born after the Professor

3. Organizing a particular Professor's office. Monthly. Until he retires.

I can't even begin to imagine who or what thought these were a good idea. To this day, I don't buy the whole "well, you'll have to do this in the 'real world'" hub-bub; guess what, I'm sure I will, but then jobs and big money are on the line. If you do a horrible job, your reputation gets blasted all over town. Side note? You'll have a 40hour work week to figure this mess out... try when you're busy with other horrible classes, managing student groups, working two other jobs... Ugh!

Finally (I promise!), there is a hilarious video that basically says everything I feel about group projects. Be warned there is some SERIOUS profanity (be prepared to do some mental "bleeping"), but it's too funny and I love what he says at the end... 

And there you have it.

I have to survive 5-ish more days of this ridiculousness then I'm FREE! through the end of July. And by FREE!, I mean tanked on the best gin (my limited) money can buy!

Pray for me.

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UPDATE: Presented last night. It was awful. But it's over. And $2 draft night immediately ensued. It hasn't hit me that it's over. Or that I'm going on vacation for TEN DAYS starting tomorrow... Yes. Ma'am. :D

Foodie Post #6: Cafe Strudel

Ah-ha! After a very frustrating though incredibly creative afternoon, the *NEW* Breakfast at Target blog is here! Aside from a few minor kinks still waiting to be sorted out, it's right about where I want it. I needed something a little more sassy, a little more stylish - something that would better help me better to reflect my constant Holly Golightly-esque transformations. Feedback, per usual, is definitely appreciated.

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Another blissful hot, sunny Sunday has come and gone; despite my summer course and its rather irritating homework, my recent Sundays have been fairly less traumatic than they were over the school year. No 7am Monday fitness class to plan. No piles of reading and overwhelming weekly "to do" lists reminding me of 5 crazy days of little sleep and too much coffee. No midnight freak-outs when I forgot to add things to said list.

Instead - surprisingly - my Sundays have been greeted with lots of sunshine, wake-up calls well past the crack of dawn, and, if I'm really lucky, a divine hangover - the kind only a bottle of Nior and late night chats can bring. The only thing better is the chance to throw on the closest (cleanest?) sundress, spray some revitalizing mist on your hair, grab a big pair of dark shades, and head to brunch.

BRUNCH

How I love thee.

A recent weekend brought a long-time college friend, Tracy, who's presence not only gave us both the chance to obsessively rant, vent, and gush, but also to eat and drink. Heavily. At the end of her mini-vacation from her current residence in North Carolina, we decided to have a farewell brunch at Cafe Strudel. LORD HAVE MERCY, I forgot how superb this place was... and how packed it gets. It's a tiny little place that sits in an old townhouse, right across the bridge from the VISTA in the Capital City.

It's got a really cute and relaxed coffee house vibe, and it's also a great place to find local art which is displayed throughout the two story building. It has tons of coffee options and pastries, too, if you're in the mood for something light but still tasty (or your head is still reeling from what made you think that vodka was your friend).

*Tracy and her "small" cappuccino.

Though certainly not just a brunch place (open for lunch and dinner, too!), the menu has plenty to choose from, mostly breakfast favorites with a special twist but plenty of other options as well, but to be honest - there are a few things you MUST try (and prepare yourself to crave every Sunday from henceforth).

The first is the french toast. Three big pieces of Hawaiian bread dipped in a batter with a hint of vanilla and cinnamon, it comes dusted with powder sugar and a side of your choice of eggs and two pieces of bacon or sausage (you can opt for the turkey kind, too, as I do). Extremely soft and fluffy, never greasy and with just the right amount of sweetness, the french toast is perfect if you're in the mood for something sweet and savory. It's usually too much to eat in one sitting, so half comes home with me and makes for a great late night snack.

And as UHHHmazing as the french toast is, Cafe Strudel boasts another favorite that is worth EVERY bite: the Hangover Hashbrowns. Tracy, knowing it'd be a while before she'd be back, pretty much knew she was going to order them before we even got in the car.

Diced potatoes scrambled with tomatoes, onions, and banana peppers, then topped with cheese and your choice of egg, the Hangover Hashbrowns are phenomenal whether you spent Saturday night hitting the bottle or not. Much like Audrey did, apparently.

After our leisurely brunch and final rounds of girl talk, it was time for the pups and I to say farewell to Tracy and send her home to her beach town in NC (and hope our weekend of gluttony didn't put her in snooze mode once she got to the interstate). Putting my trusty Nikon on self-timer, we tried to get a good shot to commemorate the weekend:

*I with Audrey & Tracy with Sean Luca. Take One.

*Take Two.

Traded dogs to see if that would help....

*And we give up....

So whether you're in full on lazy Sunday mode or in need of a yummy way to kick off your week, Cafe Strudel has just the thing and the perfect atmosphere for an unassuming culinary feast. Enjoy!

** Please note all B@T foodie posts are done at the whims of the author; i.e., I write & select my reviews at my own leisure with no compensation of any kind. I like sharing my favorite spots & hope you'll support our local businesses!

Say "Gno" to Gnats

Summer comes with happy, heat-seared tidings: weekends by the pool, tons of fresh seasonal fruits and veggies, catch up on overdue reading, sundresses, and the excuse to actually shave your legs and paint your toenails (good bye, pants!).

But the new season also brings plenty of unwelcome little guests, and I'm not talking about your friend's bratty kids off from school for the summer. No, at least those rugrats will eventually leave (you hope). I'm talking about the gross little buggers with wings and four legs or more. (Again, still not talking about the kids here.)

Nah, y'all... I mean BUGS!

I live in an old, tiny apartment; the windows and doors aren't sealed very well, and there's some general wear-and-tear that comes with an early twentieth century building -- the kind that insects just seem to figure out well enough to wreak havoc. As I bring in more fresh produce and the rising heat pushes bugs to cooler areas, I get the pleasure of spending more time trying to keep them at bay. The ants were fairly significant, but I tamed those with the good old-fashioned ant traps found at the drug store.

The worst of them all were the nasty gnats, or "fruits flies," buzzing and flying in scattered patterns -- usually with the uncanny ability to go straight to my eyes. GROSS. After a few days of scrubbing my kitchen and sealing my fruits and veggies, they were still bad. I immediately went out to see what remedies there were. Costing anywhere from $8-20, the options were exhausting - powders, strips, sprays, fumes - not to mention laden with weird chemicals and suggestions to be replaced every couple of weeks. Not willing to spend that much money on stupid bugs, I went home empty-handed to my lab of an apartment.

Reading reviews about which product would work best, it all boiled down to one conclusion: they all sucked. Finally at the point of giving up, I tried a quick Google search for "home gnat removal"; a plethora of things popped up for easy ways to safely and economically rid your house of gnats using things you already have. I clicked on a couple of links that all basically called for the same 'ingredients':

Dish soap

Apple cider vinegar

Glass jar

Paper

I had all of them on hand and it took me approximately 2min to search for them. What took me the longest, really, was rolling the piece of paper into the cone that would eventually go in the jar (and because I'm a 4-year-old, I decorated it with some markers so it'd at least look pretty in my kitchen).

Pour in the apple cider vinegar, enough to cover the bottom of the jar (used about a half cup in mine). The vinegar, though less than appealing to us, is incredibly attractive to gnats.

Place the paper cone inside the jar, but make sure you've tested that there's a little bit of room between the vinegar and the paper. The cone keeps them from flying back out (they're too stupid to figure out which way they came in - ha!).

Putting just a little dish soap (about what you'd squeeze on a sponge to clean a medium load of dishes), it makes the liquid a little more thick - and makes the vinegar smell a little less funky.

And you're done!

I was a little skeptical it wasn't going to work. The smell was definitely weird and the gnats didn't seem instantly attracted. I left it out on the kitchen counter for about 24hrs, close to where the trash is located, and turns out it worked like a charm.

Here at about 12 hours.

And here at about 24.

DIE, LITTLE SUCKERSSSS, DIE!

My kitchen, though it smelled a little odd, was almost completely free of the "gnastsy" gnats, all but for a few rebels fighting the urge to jump into the cone of shame. I replace the vinegar and soap every 3-5 days, and thus far it's been a wonder. It cost me absolutely nothing and took all of 5min to make. Even better? It's totally safe (for everyone but the gnats, that is), no chemicals, and dang cheap -- soap and cider vinegar cost about $3 at the grocery store and I used an old salsa jar. It inspired me to look up other easy eco- and economically friendly ideas for household needs; I'll be sure to let you know how they turn out.

As far of getting rid of the bratty kids?

Sorry, bubs, y'all are on your own.

(Though a splash of vodka in their Kool-Aid might calm them down REAL quick...)

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Do you have any similar ideas or strategies for simple household remedies? Don't be a Scrooge - share!

Audrey the Squirrel Hunter

The current onslaught of environmental disasters and my summer course, POLI 797: Emergency Management, have me appropriately freaked out about the impending chaos that is a massive disaster. From my class, I've learned two very important things:

1) In an emergency situation, I'd be completely useless.

2) If the Capital City is ever hit with a catastrophic event, WE'RE ALL DOOMED.

It's not necessarily my lack of faith in our "emergency" personnel or the apathetic attitudes of my fellow citizens (OKAY, yes it is), but let's get real... the whole reason a distaster is a distaster is because we often don't know what to expect. And when we do, it's two seconds too late.

SO! In preparation for something devastating, I've started taking measures to ensure my survival... or at least I can keep myself alive until a hunky firefighter comes and finds me. Some of those things include scanning and backing up important documents, keeping stashes of non-perishables close, and keeping a first aid kit handy. Another?

Putting my dogs through RIGOROUS PHYSICAL TRAINING.

Now that the days are getting longer, I can take my pups to a big lawn in front of an office building down the street and let them get run free. They think they're "frolicking." Little do they know I'm testing their wit and stamina so they'll be prepared. PREPARED FOR THE WORST.

In case I'm ever stranded and my perishables run out, I've encouraged my (not-so) lean (kinda) mean fighting machines to chase the squirrels that swarm the lawn in case we need the meat to survive, a'la Oregon trail. Sean Luca's a bit of pro, but poor Audrey can't seem to figure out what to do. After a throaty pep talk (pup talk?), she locked in on her target... SHE'S GONNA DOOOO THIS.

Determined to go for the gold, she knows she needs to cut off the little sucker at the pass...

Locking in, she's got a clear trajectory and open space.
EAT IT, SQUIRREL!

Just as the squirrel kicks it in high gear,
Audrey goes for WARP SPEED!

Using her cheetah like abilities, she starts to close in....

Just then the squirrel thinks he can make a fast turn and play Audrey for a fool....

AAAAANNNND!

........

.... and...

The unsuspecting sinkhole strikes again....

... she sits back up, and the squirrel: GONE.

Hot, bothered, and defeated, she returns to me at the other side of the yard, head hung low, and knows she needs to do better next time.

So when I ask my young cadet in training what she had to say for herself, this is all she could muster....

YUP. DOOMED.

So moral of the story: Better buy a few more boxes of Cheez-Its and Oreos.

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*Side note: The export process is jerking around with the photos and putting that random watermark on there... working on the techy stuff to figure that out...

**More important side note: Emergency situations actually are very serious things and it's amazing how many people don't even know how to prepare. To get started and have your own plan, you can click here. Also, in light of recent distasters, especially those in the midwest, you can also help with the relief by visiting the Red Cross for either a monetary or blood donation. Remember what goes around comes around, and there may be a day you'll be the one who needs help!

Foodie Post #5: Garden Bistro (SC)

Have you ever had one of those weeks in which your To Do list was manageable, you only had a few important things on the calendar, and overall you looking forward to a nice, quiet "catch up" week... only to find yourself turning your To Do list into a nightmare of chicken scratch, realizing you had more to do than you thought, and generally coming to the end of the week and wondering what the McDoo-Doo happened? Ah, YUP. That was this past week. Needless to say I'm a little behind in posting, but I've got a great line up coming your way and a new blog addy, thanks to THE coolest man in my life, John, who bought the domain name so I can ride to blogging glory. Yee-haw!

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It's no surprise yours truly and fellow B@T readers are pretty serious about their food. Reminding myself of this very important fact, it dawned on me recently that it has been WAY too long since doing a foodie review of favorite places for good eats. More importantly, I haven't taken the time to showcase any dining establishments here in the Capital City, a locale that's frequently discredited for having any "good places to eat"-- I beg to differ. Having spent four years here in undergrad and venturing back some time later, now as a disgruntled Masters student (grad school makes you CRANKY, y'all), I still find refuge and comfort in many restaurants and eateries throughout my beloved "Cola." Quick, too, to remind me of this point is fellow blogger and long-time gal pal, Sarah, who shares an equal appreciation for a well-deserved lunch date (and with as much as we both work, every date is just that).

SO, to kick off what I hope to be the first of many foodie reviews to come, Sarah suggested we start off at one of Columbia's best kept secret: Garden Bistro. I certainly didn't need to be asked twice. Sarah and I have frequented it more than we like to admit (but I can show you my "Garden Club Card" if you want an idea... I'll have a free sandwich before I know it!); seriously, they talk to Sarah like she's single-handedly keeping them in business. And I have to say we would've never discovered it if it weren't for our other super pal, Tracy, another lunch date aficionado who now lives in NC and is sorely missed from our mid-day face-stuffings. Likewise, where I worked as a grad assistant this past year constantly used GB for their catering, and we always had a pleasant and easy experience doing business with them.

Garden Bistro hosts traditional sandwiches, wraps, and salads, but there's always an unexpected twist or addition that gives it incredible mouth-watering appeal. Not to mention, their ingredients are super fresh and flavorful - I'm aways full and happy at the end of the meal, but never feel like I need to crawl under my desk to nap off the bloat. The menu is diverse but not overwhelming, but it still doesn't help that all the selections look so stinkin' good. Surprisingly, it's one of the few places I often venture out of my usual forces of habit and often try the daily specials; it's great in that they're always UH-mazing, and then I don't feel bad for cheating on my "regular favorite" (the Athena Wrap, OHMYGOODNESS) because I know it'll be a while before it rolls around again. That particular day they had a wrap stuffed with thinly-sliced oven-roasted turkey, maple-cured bacon, provolone, tomato, lettuce, and a tangy mustard sauce. It was served warm and SO delicious.

Let me also take a minute here to SWOON over how phenomenal their potato salad is. YES, I'm aware that it's proooobably not the healthiest thing on the menu, but I can't help myself. Judge all you want.

Sarah's a pretty big fan of their chicken salad sandwich; it's not the heavy Southern mayo-laden version you'd find most places. Tangy but a little sweet (I'm a big fan of the golden raisins), it's also just a darned pretty sandwich... any dish that plays to more than just a sense of taste is always a WIN.

And just as their potato salad is pretty magical, the pasta salad is no less a contender. Perfect in its simplicity and sprinkled with just enough spices, it's a slice of carb-heaven without the guilt. Well, too much anyways...

So how does one find this secret Garden Bistro? It literally is hidden and a hole-in-the-wall; the address says Gervais, but you're better off entering off Park Street. The larger entrance is behind Columbia's Art Bar, and they have free parking for GB guests (just don't take a super long lunch, because the tow-men are like vultures).

Don't let the sketch-ball entryway fool ya'. Once you get inside, the walls are covered in garden and nature inspired murals and the natural light pours in from the little windows around the back entrance. It's also nice that it IS so "exclusive" in that it's never freakishly busy and it's a very relaxed atmosphere -- even when they closed at 2pm and Sarah and I are still gabbing on incessantly, they graciously let us hang out to wrap up our conversations (and luckily Sarah and I exercised good judgement and wrapped up quickly, deciding not to push our luck).

Overall, I'm obsessed with this place and it's embarrassing how I crave it again days after going. Who knows what they're lacing their selections with to get you instantly addicted, but I. don't. care. It's also reasonably priced, especially considering their ingredients are healthy and fresh. Nothing ever tastes processed or like it had been sitting out. Sarah and I are definitely fans and will certainly be there again soon. Care to join?

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** Please note all foodie posts are done at the whims of the author; i.e., I write and select my reviews at my own leisure with no compensation of any kind. I like sharing my favorite spots and hope you'll support our local businesses!