Thank Oprah There Are Only 28 Days of February....

... because another 2 or 3 would absolutely ruin me. February is like that bizarre, random family member who always makes a bizarre, random visit semi-unexpectedly. You know you need to prepare, you know you need to get everything in order, and you know you need to prep yourself for the awkward duration of their stay. But despite all your planning and mental chanting of "it's not that bad, it's not that bad"... IT IS THAT BAD. You're frantic and stressed and catering to this guest you don't really like but for some reason know screwing up would bring impending chaos; and you have to grit your teeth into a frozen smile, slipping bourbon in your coffee to keep from hyperventilating.

Then you just hit that wall where you. can't. go. any. MORE. Operating on auto-pilot, your body luckily has enough muscle memory to get you through your daily motions... and eventually, looking around and wondering "where the heck am I?" again, you realize you've become a slave to something that's clearly not welcome, but you're too exhausted to tell it to STEP OFF. So, instead, you quietly collapse in on yourself, praying that it leaves just as quickly as it whirl-winded into your life - and preferably before your gin stash runs out.

I gave myself the weekend off from calendars and homework crunching and work/school research. I already wound up curled on the floor this week once, my head and heart so heavy from the madness that's consumed my life as of late; so I decided I needed a mental vacay. Friday night brought an evening of margaritas and healthy, hilarious venting session with some friends from my program. The weather was spectacular on Saturday, so instead I left the windows open, blasted my Pandora, and caught up on tons of photo-editing. Saturday evening John & I finally had our official Valentine's Day date -- it was great, except for the table of 15 middle-aged women draped in male genitalia decorations next to us for a bachelorette party... thank goodness for a very observant and understanding manager that moved us to a cozier spot and that over-sized bottle of wine that made up for it. And today, I slept past 7am for the first time in weeks, got to hang out with my group exercise gal-pals (something that definitely needed to have happened a long time ago - it was weird seeing them in real clothes), and topped off the day with a great dinner and YOGHUTTTT! with John and his family. All in all, I know my stumble away from my responsibilities will bite me in the butt later... but for now: I. don't. CAAAARE.

We can even make apathy look good.

God really does work in mysterious ways, and I know He's fully aware of my love of cosmic-connections and a good dose of irony. On a recent errand-running afternoon, I passed a used bookstore and decided to make a quick stop to check it out (used bookstores to me are like WalMarts at midnight for trashed high schoolers - I go nuts). So I quickly browsed and found a copy of Into the Wild. I've been wanting to read it for a really long time, and it was in mint condition and pretty cheap. The little cutie behind counter (sweater vests, glasses, and an awkward, boyish smile = I'm a sucker) told me he really loved the book, but that he really couldn't believe someone was that crazy enough to just leave everything behind and wander. Being pushed to the point of empty insanity and contemplating my own running-off-into-the-sunset, I knew I already had a lot in common with the main character.

So I finally got to reading it this past week, and lemme-tell-ya, it's weird, man. But a good weird. I put down three chapters in one night, staying up way past my bedtime. The book also has a lot of quotes in it, several that were found underlined in books carried by the main character. This one, a special one to him, comes from Leo Tolstoy's "Family Happiness":

“I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.”

I think what I'm missing in everything is the value of the sacrifice I'm making to accomplish what I'm doing and to channel my anxieties in the right way -- to go beyond the day-to-day of it all and know that my late nights at the computer, my early mornings at the gym, my 14 hour non-stop days, my Friday nights early in bed to wake up early on a Saturday to write papers, my avoidance of the convenience foods (or the awesomely, deliciously bad-for-you foods) in lieu of something made with healthy ingredients, my by-passing of the latest sale at Target and putting the extra dollars in savings, my general attempt at simplifying my life and letting go of the negative thoughts in my head...

I hope it's worth it.

I hope I make the world an better, more functional, more FUN place, a place of no more missed opportunities, a place of conquerable fears and ambitions... danghit, I want to be the Genghis Khan of AWESOME! (<-- Go to 1:32)

I'm coming for YOU, world! Fear the echos of horse-hooved drumbeats - it means I'm a'comin'!

Or maybe I'll have to settle for Chihuahua-paws... either way, I think the only option to making it out alive is to pull a crazy and become a grad-school warrior. And once I've conquered the empire of educational doom, perhaps then I can contemplate my own sacrifices on this journey to leadership.

In the meantime, I'll eat my meat on a large stick and practice my "crazy eyes" in preparation for battle. This ain't gonna be pretty.

Bring me a shot of whiskey already and LET'S DO THIS.

---

**Added Bonus! And because I'm absolutely in love with this video and it sorta-kinda-not-really-but-maybe-could fit in the theme of ridiculousness for today, I thought I'd share:

I think this might be another one of God's devine interventions that I stumbled on this.... it's eerie how much this baby is the spittin' image of my 18-month-old self. Future daughter possibilities? I sure hope so.

Forecast: 80% Chance of Nervous Break-Down with a 100% Chance of Discombobulation.

My life has become as bizarre and stressful as the recent southeastern weather... I never seem to know what to expect day-to-day, how to prepare, or who to trust about what's to come.

Nutshell: I'm overloaded.

The last two weeks I've been getting up between 5:30-6am, partly for work at the gym but mostly because I need to give myself that much of a head start on the day.... the sad part is, I'm still up at midnight and my "To Do" list only seems to be bigger at the end of the day than with what I started. My grad assistantship is becoming increasingly more complicated and confusing; and despite going over my allotted hours every week, I feel like a lot of the things I've been doing have surmounted to a lot of wasted effort. I have SO MUCH structure and choreography prep for group exercise classes. I'm pathetically behind in my reading for all of my actual academic my classes - even an endless supply of coffee and all-weekend pass to a remote location of the library would barely help me scratch the surface. I've barely begun research for my end-of-the-year projects... I've cancelled Spring Break plans because I'm going to need every waking minute to catch-up. I've started several photo projects and am scared my nights are going to be even longer trying to edit and post for people and groups. The end of the semester is barely three months away, and I still have NO idea what I'm going to do over the summer.

On top of everything, my apartment is a disaster, my ends are ratty and split, and I haven't shaved my legs in a week. OH, and I'm out of Noir and have been for a while. I'd rather have my papers stained with tanins than my tears, m'kay!

BUT I'm convinced I still have a few mental canisters stocked with positive energy, and I'm going to try to make them last as long as I can. I've been lucky this energy is often replenished with being around people who share their smiles and their time with me; it's like their genuine goodness and grip on reality (or lack of grip, as it may be) outweighs the negativity that constantly tries to slip through in my most vulnerable times. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have good places and thoughts and moments to find my center, including but not limited to:

- Two weird little doggies that are ALWAYS excited to see me when I come home.

- A kick-ass Pandora quick-mix station that somehow knows exactly what I need to hear.

- The early spring, as so deemed by the Groundhog. Clearly, Punxatawney is the only weatherman I trust.

- Facebook Scrabble.

- The people I work with, both at the gym and at my GA. How exciting to know that, even though I'm swamped with work tasks, I am still surrounded by knowledgeable, friendly, hilarious people.

- Seeing the participants in my fitness classes regularly attending and improving vastly over time - getting stronger, leaner, happier. While I'm sure I'm hardly the reason they're returning, I get excited to see people take charge of their lives and make good decisions for themselves.

- Having my sister, Bridget, close-by when I need a Saturday morning pal to wander the fresh markets or a babysitter for the pups so I can get some work done. Oh, and who doesn't judge me when I use or wear things I found at thrift stores and talk about weird things I heard on NPR, thankyouverymuch.

- A mom that still sends me a Valentine's Day goody package, even though I insist I'm avoiding it... OKAY FINE, I like cutesy pink socks and chocolate! Whatever!

- And speaking of VD (get'cho mind out of the gutter, fool!), I've had the same sweetheart for 9 years now... and though we pretend the commercialized bastardization of St. Valentine's feast day is no big deal, we always cave and try to do something special. Gives me a nice excuse to shave my legs and drink a bottle of wine that costs more than $10.

- Free cupcake opportunities this week = 2. Free cookie opportunities = 3. NOTHING makes my mid-day slumps better than free, delicious baked goods. Store bought, homemade, special ordered from an over-priced bakery... they're all devine.

- Looking forward to a quick weekend get-a-way to participate in a 5K down the coast. This race has more meaning to me than any I've done... not for the cause, not for the location, but for the particular people who are coming with me and testing their own limits while on their personal fitness journey, participating in their very first race with goal in mind. I'm thrilled for them! So excited, in fact, I'm bringing my awesome, neon-stripy running shorts. Pictures to come.

- I actually don't have to be in to work until a little later than normal tomorrow... guess who has their alarm set for a whopping 7am!

There. I feel better.

Sorry for the lack in any attempt to make this sassy, interesting, or clever... unfortunately the above mentioned energies have no effect on my waning brain capacity, so I'm left to deal with that one as is.

In other words, if I seem distant or stressed, it's because I am.

But just so you know, I'm trying hard not to be a slave to the madness that has become my daily routine, to keep my center balanced.

Empathy is welcome - but only if it's shared over a bottle of something heavy and red... or large and chocolately.