Where Can I Find a Midnight Train Going Anywhere?

Journey has told me time and time again "Don't Stop Believin'", and I promise I haven't. The problem is that I've lost what it was I was believing in: was it myself? Was it the AmeriCorps "cause"? The state of humanity? Santa Claus?

I just don't know anymore.

I haven't cried since I've been here. That's a fact (okay, I blubbered for a bit over a "miscommunication", but I got over it). I get mad at myself when I start to... I wish I wouldn't, I could use the release. But frankly, what good's a cry if you don't have a shoulder to do it on?

John comes to see me in 14 days. I turn 23 in fourteen days. I'm nervous for both. I don't know if I like the idea of being 23, lonely, and still wandering aimless through life. I'm nervous to see John because I know we've both changed in the 2 1/2 months we haven't seen each other - I hear it every time we talk on the phone. He's been fighting his own battles, and his law school experience hasn't been much better than my time with the AmeriCorps. I'm also scared of him realizing how lame I've become. Jacksonville's ruined what little level of social acceptance I managed to claim back in Columbia. Darn you, Jacksonville!

The one thing I do to make a wild attempt to start my morning is my latest obsession - creating playlists on my iPod. My newest favorite is my morning drive playlist; I call it "Jax Autumn". I have a 30min drive to my site every day, and surprisingly I look forward to it as part of my daily routine. I've gotten pretty good at timing everything fairly well, so the long haul is the one time of the day it's just me on the open road -- well, okay, busy Hwy 17 from Jacksonville to Orange Park, but whatever. However, it's the one time of the morning I can really get myself psyched for the rest of the day. Here's my current list, and please don't hate:

1. "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
2. "Perfect" by Smashing Pumpkins
3. "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey
4. "Crush" by David Archuletta
5. "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root (the "Matilda" song -- my kind of personal anthem :)
6. "Hard Sun" by Eddie Vedder
7. "Cecilia" by Simon & Garfunkel (always an ego boost :)
8. "1-2-3-4" by the Fiest
9. "Wonderwall" by Oasis
10. "Follow You Down" by Gin Blossoms

Now, of course I'm the kind of gal who gets bored easily, so this will probably change by next week (new month, new playlist!). I'm constantly on the lookout for great new tunes (or old, for that matter!).... if you have any suggestions, I urge you to send them my way. Urge, gosh darn it all!

And with that, I'm spent. Hopefully I'll have a good bit to report by the end of the weekend; I don't want to get too excited just yet though... just in case my typical Jacksonville weekend turns out to be another big let down.

I should've stuck with the Peace Corps.

So, I've Been Approved for Food Stamps... Too Bad I've Lost My Appetite.

And even worse, I'm scared I've lost my audience, too. (*taps on glass window*) You all are still out there, right?

It's harder than I thought, reporting my daily/weekly life. Some days are painfully boring; and the days that are "good" usually involve far too many details -- I don't mind writing them out, but I'm sure you all drop off about half-way... And I really hate those blogs where it's: "So today I woke up and went this friend's house. And we hung out. I think I pooped about 3pm. Then we went to the mall and I bought stuff. It was fun." I mean, I know I've got a snazzy new layout and all, but I can't deny you all depth and content?!

As mentioned in the title, I've been approved for $175 a month in food stamps. This is a big deal! I make $425 biweekly (after taxes). That's $850 a month -- that's about $212 a week. Lately, I've been serving an average of 45hrs a week at my site, plus other service projects. If you calculated the number of hours I serve and divided it by my stipend... well, okay, I can't remember the exact formula we used, but another AmeriCorps member and I figured it out: it's approx. $5.25ish an hour. (Tracy - Read: I'm going to have to save a LONG time to get to our European excursion....)

Dear Lord baby Jesus.... WHAT WAS I THINKING???

:: I'm stranded in Jacksonville where the only people who will talk to me are the hobos (who are actually fairly nice and marginally eloquent) and drunk "artsy" guys getting high on their porches (who ask me if I'd like to partake in a joint and personal penis viewing later on -- not today, fellas).

:: I've lost just over 7lbs since being here... which is nice, sure, but I'm not paying to have my clothes taken in.

:: In the 7 weeks I've been here, I've been "out on the town" 3 times -- once for the film festival (where you'll recall I saved the man in the elevator), again when my mom and sis came to visit, and then last Saturday where I watched the USC vs. LSU game. It was the first game of the season I've watched. I'm fearful it'll be the last... And I'm too cheap to pay for cable.

:: I'm too cheap to turn on the gas so I can use my stove, too. No point in having it if all my crappy frozen dinners go in the microwave or come from the Wendy's dollar menu.

:: After an entire summer of getting myself off the coffee and caffeine, I'm back on again. 6:45am wake-up calls and 10-12hr days are getting to me.

:: And I'm pretty sure I bombed the GRE. The trouble is, I don't know if I really care. I don't know where my life is going, and I don't know who's going to be there in the end... it's a scary realization, knowing that you really are all you've got. I refuse to make an addle-brained decision. But I'm also scared I've suddenly got something to prove... and I don't even understand what that is.

That being said, I'm starting to think that my time here in Jacksonville will be worth what I'm learning about people:

++ I know it's cliched, but it's hard when you discover that the friends and family you put so much faith in aren't the people who will give that back to you, especially when you need it most. I realized I was trying to stay strong and set a good example for them -- but it's all for naught. I don't even know what a naught is, but it stinks I'll probably lose my faith in certain friends and family members through this experience. I'm trying to hold out just a little longer before I completely give up...

++ However, there's always a flip-side, and I love knowing every day is a new chance to see how the little things people do for you and for one another add up. (You should read my story about Shannon below if you already haven't.) And yesterday, after a series of mishaps, bad weather, and unnecessary shenanigans, I found out I had a stinkin' flat tire. I rattled up to the tire place, and long story short, the guy repaired my tire for free and said I could repay him by having a good day. I'll definitely be headed back there when I'm having care trouble again!

++ Likewise, people I never suspected of giving a crap about my life are popping up in small, wonderful little ways. It brings a funny smile to my heart. Maybe all is not lost just yet. :)

I'm still waiting for that pivotal "Ah-HA!" moment through all this, but I do have 9 months left.

So, did you read this? Really? If you can accurately count the number of types I said "poop", you get a personal shout-out in the next post. Go for it, I dare you!

Her heart glowed with a degree of happy assurance.

If you could have a dinner party with anyone, dead or alive, who would you invite? My top three picks are Audrey Hepburn, Oscar Wilde, and Andy Warhol. Jane Austen, too, if she wasn't so busy man-huntin'. Knowing us, it'd turn more into a wine tasting, but just imagine the conversation and vibrant energy! I'm still searching for my kindred spirits here in Jacksonville. I wish it were that simple.

As life rolls along in the sunny state of Florida (yes - it hasn't rained in over a week!), I find myself seeing the potential in everything. It's funny when you're given a short amount of time to conduct a series of projects - everything suddenly comes into focus and you don't overlook the details you normally would have. I find myself being better with names and faces -- you never know when you're going to need someone and their expertise. It's also been interesting being in a completely new place. I'm not as proud as I used to be about asking for help.

What I've learned is that people are nicer than I expected (imagine that!), and some people have had the craziest experiences... which means I learn a lot from these individuals in a short period of time. Sometimes you don't need to know what their favorite color is or what their family life is like... I love the dynamic nature of the people I've come to meet. It's lovely to know there are enough experiences in the world that give us each something to connect with each other.

"Por ejemplo": There's a girl, Shannon, in my AmeriCorps group who heard I wanted to participate in the Race for the Cure 5K. She knew I wasn't a competitive runner, but I liked the cause and the excuse to train and a goal to work towards. Problem was, it was $30 to register and I wasn't sure I wanted to shell out $30 to have someone tell me that little kids can run faster than me (and they're in a stroller, for cryin' out loud!). Shannon emails me later out of no where and tells me that she was willing to pay for my registration because she, too, believed in the cause and knew I wanted to run the race. I thought she was just being nice, so I told her not to worry -- she replies again and says, "It's okay! I'll try to meet you somewhere to get the money to you; just let me know!" It made me so happy that someone who barely knew me was willing to pay $30 to watch me sweat and stumble across the finish line. Maybe she was looking for a good laugh, but who cares. The human spirit is alive and well! (Note: I ended up not running the race because I had 4 days to "get back in shape" and a service project that went late the night before... but here's to training for next year!)

I'm excited to really get started on my projects at the Y - some will include conducting fitness and nutrition follow-ups around our 26 elementary school sites (no more 9 hrs stuck in the office for me!), making comprehensive info packets, conducting volunteer sessions, etc. It's all kind of boring stuff right now, but I'll update as I get more into it... :)

Bottom line: I'm seeing the potential at my site, and I'm seeing the potential in myself (cliche points = minus one). But seriously, I've never been in a position where its "Hey Celia, we have _insert need here_. Can you figure out a way to deal with it? Yeah, okay thanks!" Hello quick thinking and ingenuity! I've had no choice but to live in the moment lately. I'm too nervous to think too far ahead. Things change so quickly. (Like the weather - it's been perfect. I hope that doesn't go away too soon!)

Many apologies for the lack of depth here - I've had bad sleep the last couple of days, and my creative energy has depleted slowly... I'm planning on being in bed early tonight. 7am seems to come earlier and earlier!

((And I have no idea what happened to the text here, too -- all the technology in the world and it's still getting on my nerves.... sheesh!))

Baby, you can always call on me... Well, probably not til Friday.

Just when I thought I was totally disconnected from my world back home, I've recently been shoved even further off the island... and further into this urban jungle of Jacksonville. Today we mourn the loss of my beloved 2006 gray and awkwardly large Blackberry. I couldn't tell you what model he is, I couldn't tell you what he was really capable of... what I can tell you is that he was a trooper, and I was praying he'd hang on for another month until my birthday and I could give him a grand retirement party (which would just so happen to coincide with my birthday party and the arrival of a new phone). But sadly, he drowned in a tragic locker room/water bottle explosion... and he flickered for a few final seconds as I held him dearly in my hands, hoping that shaking him ferociously and "blowing" out the water would save him. I may be a trained wilderness medical professional (I have 40hrs of training and a nifty little card to prove it); but clearly, it was not enough to save him. Now he's gone to that happy little heaven of materialistic things and is frolicking down the linoleum lined aisles with my sunglasses (read "My Future's Looking Bright; Too Bad I've Lost My Sunglasses", Sept. 2008). Fare thee well.

The AmeriCorps isn't exactly what I envisioned. I expected to be surrounded by kindred spirits and those who wanted to join for the same reasons and with the same thoughts I had, much like how it went when I studied abroad and did my wilderness first aid training in NC over the summer. Unfortunately, it feels like a lot of them signed up because they had no better options for grad school or a job. Which is fine, don't get me wrong; but there's a higher purpose that AmeriCorps strives to serve. I wish more than a handful of us really understood it; to be honest, I don't know if I truly do, but I'm at least trying. Furthermore, the whole system makes perfect sense to me (having an hours requirement and all), plus community service has always been one of my biggest priorities. I wish non-profits and community organizations made more money -- so much work seems to go unnoticed, I've noticed (<-- intentional repetition of words). Even most teachers have a higher salary than some of these kids; but the bottom line is that they will be rewarded soon enough. It just usually comes in the form of a lame corporate goody bag and a plaque on the back wall of some establishment. But hey, some come with great coupons!

I am finding myself in the craziest ways lately, and I am waking up with more to look forward to. I operate best on a schedule, and a busy one at that. I've re-doing a lot of things at my site that my previous AmeriCorps person left behind, and I'm trying to jump on all the meetings and such to learn more about the YMCA's School Age Services division's role within the education realm of Clay County, Florida. I like networking, and it's been fun meeting people (and trying to educate them on what the AmeriCorps is -- "Ameri-Who, honey?"). It's also kind of scary because my site mentor (the person I mostly and directly work with at my site; kind of like a really awesome boss) is super preggers and she's going to pop here pretty soon (actually a few days shy of my birthday, so cool!). So, I have basically have one month to get my sheit together and ready to fly solo in less than a month. She's taking a pretty hefty maternity leave, and it makes me want to barf every time I think about it... I'm not ready to be on my own!

I started taking group work-out classes at the YMCA adjacent to our offices, and I'm loving them! It's way more fun to have "Moms" to work out with than sorority girls; they're not showy or snooty at all. In fact, most of them have been a big help in teaching me some of the moves and encouraging me to keep taking more classes ("Oooh, girl, you're looking great!"). I'm already feeling some interesting places tighten that I didn't realize could (that's what he said). Even if I come back miserable and defeated from this whole experience, at least I'll be buff.

Last night, I participated in a service project that I'm hoping to turn into a weekly occurrence. A previous AmeriCorps girl started it and she's still working in Jax, so she still continues to do it: she brings in a few volunteers to a local shelter downtown where we organize a group art project for the kids living in the shelter. Despite it's horrid location (it's in between the jail and a crappy factory, and right under the monorail bridge), but inside the kids were so loud and hilarious, and the walls were covered in their art work. They were crazy friendly and ridiculously hyper, but we had a blast doing water color painting and trading stories about our days. My favorite conversation went like this:

Little Girl: "You see dat girl over there? Her name is Kelly."
Me: "Yup. What about her?"
LG: "She's evil."
Me: "I dunno, she doesn't seem that bad. Why is Kelly evil?"
LG: "She started a rumor about me! She told all the kids I have AIDS."
Me: "Whatever, no she didn't."
LG: "Yeah, huh! She told them twice!"
Kelly: (from across the room) "No, I didn't!"
LG: "Yes you did! And the second time, I punched you and we got into a fight! (to me) It was purdy funny."
Kelly: "Yeah, it was, actually."

I'm not creative, you guys; I just happen to stumble into interesting situations. I'm beginning to like it.

"The Devil Took Over My Microwave" & Other Short Stories by Celia "Golightly"

I'm beginning to think that God originally intended Florida to be the Hell -- if not that, at least purgatory. Think about it: the bugs here are twice the size of Labrador puppies (but certainly not as friendly), the road construction seems to be a living constant, the cost of living is outrageous for being a "southern" state, and hurricanes barrell through the state more than any other place on the continent (note: Haiti is not in North America, okay). It makes sense; after all, why else would all the old people come down here? They're so close to the end, why not get a head start (so efficient, those old people). I think Walt Disney made a deal with the devil to build Disney World here -- with the "Happiest Place on Earth" right around the corner, who would suspect anything? And that crap about Mr. Disney getting a "good deal" because of it being built on "swampland".... we all know the truth. The only real 'gators I've seen around here are the ones running down the street... everyone else here calls them "lizards", but last I checked, a lizard shouldn't look like it ate a cat for lunch.

Speaking of Satan and his wild works, I swear my microwave was the latest victim - for the last couple of days, it'll randomly beep twice, then "6:66" flashes on the screen. Gave me a heart-attack for the first couple of times, but now I'm thinking my landlord got in here somehow and is playing a cruel joke on me. I wouldn't put it past him.

Another one of El Diablo's devices: the General Record Exam (aka, the GRE; aka, OMG). I finally took it this morning, and I've had a splitting headache ever since. I was going to be a man about it and broadcast my scores to my fellow readers (all 2.5 of you), but no joke - I was scrolling through the pages when I finally reached the end and scrolled right past my scores, which I got to see for about .4 seconds. And it wouldn't let me go back. And now I have to wait 2 weeks to get my paper copy in the mail (the stupid GRE people won't let me receive them over the phone or email... I tried). I -do- remember being pretty upset with my overall performance... maybe it's good I didn't really get to see it. Whatever, maybe grad school is overrated.... I can put an Anthropology degree to use in the real world, right?!

Now on to God's wondrous deeds (brief recap of the week). This past weekend I went home for more doctor's appointments, which all went fairly well, but it's more of the same - "Celia, your (oral) situation is ridiculous. It's going to take another 6mths-year. Now go study for the GRE to get into grad school so you can get a good job and pay for the stupid amount of money you continue to owe us (Ha! Got you there, Doc! I'm going to be poor the rest of my life!)." But I did get to see my fun-loving, but apparently sketchy, Lauren Still (Stilly Goose, as I call her) and my darling, though slightly alcoholic, Minh Lee (My Sunshine). It was a fun filled weekend in Charleston with a group of crazy other kids, Chihuahuas galore, and amazing food. I cried on the way home - Florida just hasn't made me happy yet.

But my outrageously outrageous, but ever-so-wonderful, Mom and spazzy, but big-hearted, sister (Bridget!) are coming to see me for the weekend - I'm so excited! Thank God for human interaction and real, honest to goodness meals!

Hopefully I'll be posting again on Sunday to get back on shed-u-al. In the meantime, be sure to say something nice to at least one stranger today, and give a hug to someone you care about for no reason (plus, it's fun to see their reaction). The little things are truly important, you guys.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get down to the skivvies, dance to some Jamaraquoi, and grab a Pumpkin Spiced Latte from Starbucks. Maybe in that order - it's too humid for pants.