A Midnight Post.

My conditioning to the practices of being a young lady in an unsuspecting world has left me bewildered and dwelling on the negative facets of daily life, particularly as of late. I find myself more comfortable sitting just slightly on the periphery, far too anxious that I'll come across something I hadn't intended... I find myself scrutinizing the choices I make and things I say, wondering if I've ever given a reason for that person, group of people, or passerby to simply dislike me. I will tell you and convince myself the same that nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong. I'm not upset by the things you say; just jokes, right? Silly Celia - she can take it. And, of course, when I do eventually uncork and all the horrible internalizings of hurtful words and events comes to a head... no worries, that's just what being a girl is about. Another explosive episode in the petty details of life. Give me a glass rich with tannins and I'll be fine in the morning.

I'm exhausted from people playing and abusing the system while I try so hard to maintain an above-average quality of standards.
I'm tired of investigating needs and doing what's in my capacity to help reinstate a sense of order, progression, and an overall happy atmosphere, only to be stopped by red tape, apathy, or those who'd unfairly claim the intentions were theirs.

My 'happy place', the space and time and existence that makes me feel most like myself, is when I'm productive, providing real, direct help, and creating a sense of enthusiasm and light-heartedness in a world that spins chaotically. Further, when I'm doing something that I know is making my body, mind, and inner sense of self get stronger and more focused. I'm not the type to be idle or put myself in a situation where harm can come to the work I've done at being a better person. I'm far from where I want to be. But I like to smile. Humor is my beloved friend.

My appreciation for the intrinsic natures of the world -- the things we create and what inspires such creativity -- also gives me joy. Grass and bugs and sunshine. Water and pearls and animals. Colors and images and words. Because I don't understand something, I promise I still try to find why it's important. I have many subjects to explore, but there are some welded deep in my spirit I'll always come back to. Another part of my 'happy place.'

So please remember, deprecation is just that. Try to find how you connect with others, don't seek the conflicts. Bring people up. Negativity is already understood; we know, it does exist. Loathing is for those who can't appreciate, who can't understand.

I wish my defenses were stronger.
I thank God for the people and places in my life that provide a soulful comfort.
Excuse my stumble; this moment of weakness too will pass.
Silver lining? I know I will be surrounded by works of passion, mixed medias of expression and emotion, and living pieces of life I currently hold so dearly and wonderfully in the world I know. I hope there is more to learn.