Aimless Wandering & It's Accompanying Moments

Just a "quickie" tonight, all. I really wanted to be in bed early tonight, but the swirling, stupid thoughts in my head are keeping me up... not to mention, the 5 Guys burger (with onions, tomatoes, pickles, jalapenos and BBQ sauce) washed down with an ice cold Corona (thanks, Erin & Joel!). I'm bracing myself for the weird dreams yet to come...

Lent

So, I gave up: chocolate and Starbucks, no meat on Fridays, no trips to fast food joints for lunch (I'm notorious for packing a healthy lunch and forgetting it), no "Mean Reds" Target shopping trips (except tomorrow when I FINALLY pick up a copy of the Sex & the City movie for $10), and lots and lots of working on my lack of patience. Not sure why I chose Lent to work on that last one, but I usually try to do something proactive during Lent, too. I think a key part of Lent that people miss is that the act of sacrificing is supposed to create empathy -- not just be a 40 day Jesus-approved weight-loss effort.

I tried giving up swearing, but I caved about 20min into it. I blame the Jacksonville drivers.

By the way, I DID get my free pancakes at IHOP. Took 45min in line, but it was worth it. :)

And now presenting:

Awkward Moments with Stormie!

As most of my faithful readers know, I have a mentee with whom I meet with once a week. For one, I probably should've never been allowed to mentor (I say stupid things and I'm a 23-year-old cluster of failure and lack of direction), and I'm by all means a total mis-match for Stormie. She's crass, country, a little defiant, and wants so desperately to be accepted. I think she's going to be a helluva kid one day. We've made a few mini-breakthroughs over the last month or so; not that I'm Dr. Phil (pronounced "Fuh-ill", please), but we're trudging along.

Anywho, in a recent conversation, Stormie and I talked about "dream careers" -- one of those "If you could be anything in the world..." situations. She's big into surfing and likes watching extreme sports, so she said she'd be a pro-surfer or BMX bike superstar. But she quickly took it back, saying, "But naw, I don't think I'd really want to do that." I asked her why she thought that (but not expecting the typical "Wull, muh mama sez I cain't do that" kind of response -- I know her better than that). She tells me, and very matter of factly I might add, "Well, if I got famous or whatever, I'd have family coming from all over asking for money. Plus, when you're that big, you have to give money to charity and stuff, too. Nope, I'd rather just live where I'm comfortable and just have to take care of myself." Girl has her mind up. My work here is done.

In today's conversation, we started talking about weird dreams and things we're scared of. I told her I was (and I quote) "awkwardly terrified of Mormons!" (And by this, I meant the dudes in the skinny black suits on the suspiciously shiny black bikes -- I have an irrational fear of them, and this goes way back. I'll explain later.) Her eyes get huge as she blurts out "I'M MORMAN!" Sheit. I realized we never really brought up religion. My mouth starts to drop for a second, but then I say,
"You're joking. When's the last time you went to church?"
"Can't remember."
"When were you baptized?"
"I don't think I ever was."
"Then you're not Morman."
"But my dad is."
"Does your dad ride around on a black bike with a black backpack and in a blacksuit?"
".... no?"
"Good, then shut up and stop trying to make me feel bad!"

More to come.

You Feeling Lucky... Punk? (Actually, NO.)

The Good

• I'm currently 125hrs ahead of my expected hours requirement for my AmeriCorps term. If I keep this up, I'll be able to take off some much needed time to visit friends and be with family. Or shoot - maybe I'll just catch up on sleep (naaaah).
• My dad was in town for a symposium on (_insert some doctorish 'way-over-your-head' topic here_) with other oncologists, and it was nice to spend a little bit of time with the Old Man (my little term of endearment for him, if you will). We wandered down to St. Augustine -- unfortunately too late in the day to do anything really fun -- but we did find this out-of-the-way restaurant called Harry's; dear heavens, it was positively delicious! And I really like how Dad and I operate: we spit out what we need to say, cut out the idle chit-chat, and bitch about things that we can actually agree on; all while maintaining a wry albeit cheesy sense of humor (my Pops is the KING of 'Dad puns'). When you're a couple of busy and weary souls, you learn real quickly to take advantage of the moments you get.
• I'm right about at the half-way point of my AmeriCorps term; time is flying.
• Free Pancake Day is this Tuesday!!!! I really REALLY want to go!!! Anyone interested??? Proceeds go to Children's Miracle Network. :)
  
• American Idol is getting good (except for my dear "Anoop Dawg" -- Noooo!), and I'm glad Erin and Joel have provided me with perfectly comfortable viewing pleasure (not to mention, dinner once in a while... delish!). I suffer from a serious anxiety about being the constant third wheel, though; luckily, their dog, Miko, who's 40+ lbs of solid muscle, enjoys shnoogling in my lap -- then I don't feel so bad. I'm pulling for Danny Gokey right now (whom Erin and I have unofficially dubbed "Robby D" because of his uncanny resemblance to Robert Downey, Jr). And I'm SO glad that Tatiana has peaced out (please enjoy her niiiiice bald spot); I swear, if she makes it through the Wild Card round and Anoop doesn't, I'm marching right up to Seacrest and making him wear relaxed fit jeans (oh the horror!).
• February's almost over. For some reason, February's always been my "Crap Month"... bad junk happens or everything falls apart in February... like every day is "one of those days." Thank goodness it's the shortest month of the year.

The Bad

• My favorite pilates teacher on Wednesday mornings left. :( They substituted with yoga until further notice, and I'm really not a yoga person. Maybe I'll bite the bullet and give it third shot; after all, I have an adult onsie I'd hate to go to waste.
  
• I'm an official waste to my site; I almost feel justified in how little I get paid (almost). I keep trying to implement these ideas and programs and methods of organization, and they all seem to crack or go by the wayside. In my defense, I'm getting little to no support from my site mentor, and the people who want to help are too busy to do so (and I feel bad asking). Ugh... So, latest attempt: For the last month, I've been trying to organize a big volunteer interest meeting/workshop for our after school program, "PrYme Time." I've approached and talked to multiple high school organizations and passed on info to church groups; I battled the YMCA branch managers to get a room to use; I organized an entire agenda and training manual; and I even solicited a donation from a local restaurant to get three free trays of muffins and other baked goods for the workshop (and these weren't the "leftovers" either!). After all that work -- 4 people show up. A little embarrassed and very frustrated, I did what I could. I guess it's better to have tried it and bummed than never attempted at all; after all, this is the first time anything like this has been done and the only one out anything is me (and poor Shannon who drove all the way down to watch me fail miserably; I'm still sorry, Shannon!). Oiy.
• Ash Wednesday is THIS Wednesday. Er. I haven't thought much about my Lenten sacrifices. More to follow.
• It's another four weeks til I get to see John again (if I'm lucky). This stinks.
  
• There are still six days in February. Hm.

The Ugly

• Now, I'm a pretty regular attendee at St. Paul's Catholic Church in Riverside. I like the healthy balance of traditional, but still friendly and laid back. (Side note: If you were once Catholic and no longer are because of X, Y, or Z, that doesn't bother me; what does bother me is if you try to shove your reasons down my throat and act like you're self-righteous because you left the church. It's like trying to tell me you gave up carbs and now you're far better off without it and should've stopped sooner; that's great, but I don't care. I'll still have my loaf of bread and wash it down with a baked pretzel -- THANKS.) Anywho, a middle-aged lady and her quirky, pre-teen daughter slide into my pew; "pew" had a new meaning this morning. This poor girl had the most funkalicious feet I've ever smelled. I slowly tried to creep to the opposite side of the bench, but was interrupted by an old couple coming in the other side. I was trapped. I hoped I would eventually become accustomed to the smell, but it just got worse as it burned more cells in my nostrils. How in the world could the mother not notice?! I tried my hardest to hold my hand strategically in front of my nose (I conveniently put on lavender scented lotion before I left), but then it just smelled like flower fresh athlete's foot. Gaaaww.... I can't remember a single word of the homily; I just remember the priest sounding like one of the teachers from Charlie Brown ("whah-whah-whah-uh-whaaaah"). I wanted to move, but I didn't want to be obvious. By some holy intercession, I managed to deal with the foul pedic odor from this unfortunate child and made it through Mass with only a mild headache. The Florida river marsh smell outside never smelled so sweet.
• Tomorrow's Monday. Eeee...
• Can I make til the end of this week? We'll see...

The End

The Years Seem So Short, But the Days Go Slowly By.

It's now been six months since I've moved to Jacksonville from the dear motherland of South Carolina. I must say I've done well for myself here -- I've created some serious documents and jump-started some new programs at my site, met a few "big kids" and participated in interesting events in the Jacksonville community, and just all-around survived day to day without too much craziness. But the truth is, I'm struggling with the idea of staying on another year. I'm doing well professionally (well, as professionally as one can do as an AmeriCorps member), but personally I feel like I'm regressing. I'm exhausted and frustrated most of the time with little pay off, I haven't seen most of my friends in months (though it looks like they're all having far too much fun to care!), I haven't been home much at all -- maybe three times since I've been here, and I find myself constantly on the periphery... I haven't found a place or time of solace or real acceptance yet, and I'm starting to wonder more and more what I'm doing here (besides pretending I'm saving the world, which isn't happening). Clearly, I'm not as independent as I thought.

On a lighter-brighter-happier note, after not having seen John in six weeks, I flew to Fort Worth for a long weekend. My Valentine's Day was probably the best I've had in a long time. The last four years have been plagued by Student Gov't election drama; but this year we were college-politic free, albeit that stupid law school nonsense popped up most inconveniently (stupid, I say!). I was spoiled with homemade omelets made by the dashingly handsome Mr. Carroll, wined and dined at a swanky Fort Worth roof-top restaurant called the Reata, brought along to Denton, TX, where we shared in rediscovering John's childhood memories (which included a hunt to find his grandfather's portrait at the University of North Texas and lunch at a hole-in-the-wall hamburger joint owned his other granddad, "Pop"), and a few other "for old times sake" activities (quirky coffee shop conversations, raiding Circut City for cheap DVDs, and just absorbing the thick and comforting quiet of each other's presence). Sometimes I wish John would be a real jerk so I wouldn't cry all the way home on plane rides, at least not from missing him so badly (but then he should feel really bad about it and send me an obnoxiously large bouquet of flowers and chocolate to my office). Overall, I had a splendid weekend with my favorite boy; I just wish I would stop fixating on the number of days til I see him again.

Side note: I like my coffee scorching hot; I can't eat anything without a condiment or dip (balsamic vinegar, BBQ sauce, ranch dressing, and ketchup are the ever-favorites); I'd rather eat a delicious Publix bakery cupcake than have a glass of fine wine (although I hope I never have to choose); I often mix my food on my plate to see how different tastes go together, and often prefer when my food touch by accident; I eat my Little Debbie snacks on a plate... with a fork; I swear I have a whole other stomach for bread - I could (and frequently have) eat it all day; I can't go without dessert - EVER; and I get really excited about going out to lunch or dinner with pals, and spend most of the day thinking about what I'm going to get (even during work-out classes). Just some weird food quirks I notice I have. Just so you know.

I'm getting lamer by the minute.

In Memorandum, Feb 20th, 2009:

This morning, Peligro (aka, "Papa P"), passed away. He was the dad of all the other crazy Chihuahuas, and we've had him since I was a sophomore in high school. He was a grumpy old man dog, but still cool as hell. He was my buddy. He was like the big brother I never had (okay, well, I had a big brother - but he didn't quite perform his duties as my protector). Peligro always watched when boys came around, especially by positioning himself strategically in my lap when the beau came over and growling ferociously at the young lad as he went in for a kiss (yes, even John! Though he warmed up... after a few years). I tried not to cry at work when Mom sent me the message (I've already been in a terrible funk for the last few days), but I'm glad he's not in pain anymore - he'd been dealing with something the doc could never figure out for the last month or so. It's just so weird not to have him come running up when I get home next. He's always been a permanent fixture of sorts... a real character.

Here are a few pics....



I need to hit the restart button.

I'll have a better, good ole fashioned post for you next time. But for once, I needed an emo-ish post (so I can look back on it soon and laugh at myself). I'll shake this off soon. In the meantime, pray February get's a steppin'. I'm done.

Because You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

I hope you all enjoyed my previous post as much as I enjoyed writing it. Sometimes moments of utter ridiculousness are given to us by some mysterious power to distract us from the awful and the mundane; I'm glad I could share it with you all. =)

Though I have no further potty stories to report, I've had an eventful week and a half since my encounter with Annie and her poop-a-loops. We all know I'm a big fan of "bulleting" (but not guns! they don't come in any cool colors), so I'll do my best to update you in such fashion.

• I had an impromptu trip to Charleston last week, and boy-oh-boy, I needed a chance to hear "y'all" the way it's meant to be said. I don't think I'll ever be a true southern belle (I don't have the physique or the "grand-deddy" for it -- plus my Wisconsin "o-'s" and "-ah's" never seem to give up). However, I've come to appreciate the South Carolina charm and the fact you can bash anyone's personality or mistakes without remorse by simply adding "Bless her/his heart!" to the end of your rant. Anywho, I only spent one night in the city (accompanied by loves, Minh and Still, of course), dancing in an Irish pub with the craziest South African I've ever met (who didn't bother to buy me a drink, so I ditched the sucka'), followed by more dancing to an 80's cover band but this time with Minh & Still -- who totally did "Don't Stop Believin'" and "Take on Me" justice ("in a day or TWOOOO!"), and topped off the evening with Gilroy's pizza (and how we demolished that thing in 10min, I'll never know -- we didn't even make it home before it was gone). Best night out I've had in a while. Come to think of it, the only night I've been out in a while. Whatever. I miss my loves, and it was perfect. :)
• Super Bowl -- made it back to Jax in enough time to crash with Erin & Joel. Why they let me eat their food and make a fairly sizable dent in their couch, I'll never know. But I am grateful, I'll tell you that. The Cardinals lost, and I was sad. But Bruce Springsteen reminded me of the glory days. So I am happy again (not to mention, a full hour of The Office makes anything worthwhile).
• Speaking of Erin & Joel, I've abused my neighborly privileges yet again -- but this time for a higher cause. Helloooo, American Idol! I think even if I had a working TV, I'd still bum over at their place; watching AI by yourself is like drinking by yourself. And I'm glad I didn't have to be excited Bikini Girl got kicked off all by my lonesome!
• Things at my site have been getting a little frustrating and upsetting over the last month or two; it's hard to "nutshell" it to one blog post, but bottom line, I felt slighted, pushed to the side, and belittled. I finally called a meeting with a few of my higher-ups about it (ballsy, I know), and somehow managed to get it all out without crying (this is a big feat, I promise!). I think it had something to do with my fancy and detailed list of my complaints, rebuttals, and concerns (so professional!). Things went somewhat well; not quite what I expected, but at least I know what my limitations are and they know how I expect to be treated. I've got 5 1/2 months to make the rest of this experience count. Better know I intend to.
• Speaking of which... I've made a very serious decision not to apply to grad school for the fall. I suppose it's not that serious to you all, but it's something I struggled with for weeks before making my decision. Basically, I wasn't as prepared as I wished I was, and I feel I haven't gotten the overall AmeriCorps experience because of my site and how things went weird there. On the flipside, I love everything I'm getting a chance to do outside of my site because of the AmeriCorps, and it often validates why I'm here. This past week, I attended a documentary viewing and discussion on race, helped out at Habitat for Humanity, and volunteered at Florida's only free 5K. I'm exhausted, but I love the feeling of getting to know the community. Which is why I -might- be doing a second year with the North Florida Health Corps. We'll see. (And with this economy in the crapper, why should I rush getting into the job market?)
• John's doing well in law school, and I think he has a real shot at getting back to Carolina Law. I think I want it more for him than he does; it's nice to know someone who's got the will-power and ability to make good change happen (and that particular 'someone' takes you out on a date once in a while - ow ow!). I get to fly out to TX for a long weekend and hopefully a brilliant Valentine's Day. Typically we're not really into big V-Day festivities, but seeing this is our lucky number 7 Valentine's Day together (and we've gone 6 weeks without seeing each other), I'm hoping for a chance to "get back to it." =)
• I've begun to miss my Columbia friends a lot. I scroll through my Facebook home page every once in a while and see album after album of all the fun they're having; Jacksonville has made me a real fuddy-duddy. I think it just makes me miss long talks in the Russell House, ESA chapter meetings, Thursday night long island ice teas, inappropriate conversations over margaritas at Monterrey's, free movies at the RH accompanied by Marble Slab, study groups where we talk more about Grey's Anatomy than actual anatomy.... I don't wanna grow up.

Other than that, a lot of the same. The cold weather has started to back off, and today was a much needed day of rest, catch-up, and long walks along the river with the dogs. (I need a good book to read on days like this; any suggestions?) I'm armed with 8 hours of solid sleep and a clean apartment for the week ahead. I've got to cram a typcial 40 hour week into 3 days - yipe!

Hopefully more to report over the week, and most definitely from the weekend ahead. =)