I had a breakdown at the grocery a few weeks back.
Well, almost.
And it was a at Whole Foods.
Who the F%*K has a melt down in the middle of aisles of magical minimally processed, free range, gluten free GLOWING ORGANIC GODDESS NOURISHMENT of Whole Foods?
I do.
Almost.
The fact that May 2015 is already here (wasn't it Christmas like last week?) punched me so hard and fast that it left me feeling sad and sick and in a constant state of I'm-sorry-WHAT?. So many goals I had yet to scratch the surface of. So many people I haven't seen in months. So many things that have passed me by while I lurk in the shadows, glued to my phone or computer or planner trying to get life under control. So many moments I was completely not present, my brain ping-ponging between the chaos of life, the To Do's, the What-If's, the Have-Nots, the Never-Going-To-Happens.
And it all culminated in the snack aisle of Whole Foods. Seeing the hiker silhouette on the bag of freshly prepared trail mix made me lose my sh*t. He was strong, happy, free, surrounded by nature, looking up at an endless, boundless sky.
I was washed up, droopy, and empty, wearing the same pants for the 2nd - questionably 3rd - day in a row.
That pounding in my chest and flood of water behind my eyes I've known all too well started churning, and the fear of looking like a complete idiot in the middle of this majestic foodie establishment (where I willingly paid $12 for a plastic bag of nuts and dried berries because it makes me feel like I'm healthy and have my life together) racked my very core. And here interrupts this tiny old Asian woman, squeezing between me and the aisle of highfalutin mixed nuts to grab her salted cashews -
"Soddy!" she retorts (not really sorry at all).
DAMNIT, WOMAN.
I compose myself.
Just get through the list.
DAMNIT, WOMAN.
I compose myself.
Just get through the list.
A few aisles down and the welling starts again, this time even more ferocious for not having been released the first time. I'm half-way through my list and no where near a proper exit, so the panic adds the juicy pickle on top of the crap sandwich that was my neurotic episode in the making. Breathing deeply I open a freezer door in hopes the cool blast will numb the surmounting explosion in my temples. Tiny Asian Lady appears again, dodging in front of me to get the last jumbo box of cage-free brown eggs. "Soddy!" she exclaims again. I replied with as polite of a smile as I could with clenched teeth, lingered inside the diary section freezer door for a moment longer (what the Jay-Z is kefir milk?), and trudged on.
The third and final wave came in the bread section; having the ever debilitating white girl struggle of carbs versus-no carbs, it was do-or-die. With the last scratch of the list, seeing the check-out line so close ahead, I started suddenly feeling like I just wasn't going to make it. This would be my darkest, weakest, stupidest moment = breaking under the pressures of life next to gluten-free hotdog buns.
As the flood of emotions rolled into my throat, as the tears began to protrude from the corners of my eyes, Tiny Asian Lady pops up one final time, eyeing the dinner rolls. This time she looks at me, waits until I've got what I need, and allows me to move through first. She offers a polite, encouraging smile - almost as if she'd been in my situation herself at some point. The empathetic look in her calm, old lady eyes was enough to make me realize I was going to get out of here in one - albeit frazzled - piece.
Greeted by the friendly young ladies of the check out line, I felt the pressure in my chest subside. Their energy was bright and happy and curious. To those magical check-out fairies of Whole Foods, I thank you. Your sweet disposition and big Sunday smiles made more of a difference than you'll ever know.
Greeted by the friendly young ladies of the check out line, I felt the pressure in my chest subside. Their energy was bright and happy and curious. To those magical check-out fairies of Whole Foods, I thank you. Your sweet disposition and big Sunday smiles made more of a difference than you'll ever know.
I made it to my car, the heat of the spring sun making my tiny car feel light and cozy...
and just sat there.
and just sat there.
I had completely short-circuited.
My life had become a vapid, meaningless existence, guided only by the inertia of deadlines and color-coding and box-checking. I lost my identity, my focus, and my pursuit of plans and goals along the way... and had no clue where to even begin finding it.
My life had become a vapid, meaningless existence, guided only by the inertia of deadlines and color-coding and box-checking. I lost my identity, my focus, and my pursuit of plans and goals along the way... and had no clue where to even begin finding it.
Each new day and new week subconsciously terrifies me. The flood of requests I can't accommodate. The endless amount of tasks I'm inevitably going to screw up. The friends I'm going to have to "politely decline" for the 3rd or 4th time in a row because every ounce of spare time I've got goes into trying to get my head above water. The list of things I need to do to make my business thrive that seem so daunting and out of reach. The husband whom I literally have to schedule in "hang out time" during the week because I lose my mind if he excitedly suggests an impromptu little excursion. The random outfits I'm pulling out of the dryer because it's a small victory just to get my clothes clean in the first place.
Y'all, I hadn't lived in the present moment in months.
I was living in the distant land of "Someday" - that magical place when all the To Do's are crossed and I suddenly have all the resources I need to succeed... and all the late nights and early mornings would pay off.
The problem?
I've been doing this my ENTIRE life; on the brink of 30, the "Someday" has never come to fruition, and I keep pretending it's just around the corner.
The living in the "Someday" attitude has been my only way to cope - put your head down, check off the list, play by the rules, and eventually, you'll get there. Right?
Ehhhh....
When you look around and everyone's having magical experiences and scoring major life achievements and settling into beautiful little families -- while you're trapped behind a wall of the computer screen, sitting in your over-sized underpants, hoping you remembered to brush your teeth this morning -- it's easy to lose sight of the little things you've got going in your own life. It's easy to tell yourself you just need to work harder and maybe you're next. It's easy to start questioning every decision up until now, wondering if they have been stupid or bad or poorly made. It's easy to let silhouettes of hiking men ON BAGS OF NUTS make you feel like a giant loser.
And then the Tiny Asian Lady of your life pops up -
Soddy!
She's there to remind you we've all got sh*t to do; and if you don't stay focused, she's there to swoop in and get what she needs first. To bring you back in the moment to remind you why you're standing there in the first place. To get you out of your own head. You can either try to avoid her or accomplish what you came to do in spite of knowing she's going to try to get in your way. And she's not all bad - when you're vulnerable and not afraid to admit it, she'll help you.
At least that's what I got out of the experience.
The truth is I'm THE only person to hold accountable for letting myself implode. I've deluded myself into thinking I need to pile on more work and tasks and projects because that's what's going to get me to the next step. That what I need to do isn't going to be - and shouldn't be - fun and joyful because that's the end result of it all ("work" is "work" for a reason, right?). In reality, it's just distracted me from really making plans and doing what I feel like I'm supposed to do and being honest with the people around me. It's made me anxious and tired and FREAKED OUT. I buried my authentic self under the facade of being "productive" and "busy"....
... and it took a meltdown at the Chanel of grocery stores to figure that out.
To those of you who stuck it out reading this, I'm sorry that I really have nothing to offer you. I can't say I turned my life around and made a powerful life decision and the heavens granted me peace and prosperity.
But I did return to Whole Foods this past weekend. Quietly skimming the aisles for our weekly fare with my handsome darling in tow, I brought with me a new sense of calm, of hope, of being filled with joy to spend the morning uninterrupted by my To Do list surrounded by magical, and kind of weird, foodie goodness. I needed to replace the bad mojo I left in there; I think I did it.
And I swear the hiker silhouette gave me a wink.
Since then, it's been easier to see what the vision for my life is - and get serious about making decisions towards that, accepting my own responsibility for how it turns out. Asking for help. Taking time to research and get excited about the possibilities. Again, it's not easy - but easier.
With that, may you all enjoy a wonderful summer.
I'm counting on a proper sunburn and one-too-many margaritas myself.
And maybe a little soul-searching.
(Is that better before or after margaritas?)
Hugs & High Five,
C
Y'all, I hadn't lived in the present moment in months.
I was living in the distant land of "Someday" - that magical place when all the To Do's are crossed and I suddenly have all the resources I need to succeed... and all the late nights and early mornings would pay off.
The problem?
I've been doing this my ENTIRE life; on the brink of 30, the "Someday" has never come to fruition, and I keep pretending it's just around the corner.
The living in the "Someday" attitude has been my only way to cope - put your head down, check off the list, play by the rules, and eventually, you'll get there. Right?
Ehhhh....
When you look around and everyone's having magical experiences and scoring major life achievements and settling into beautiful little families -- while you're trapped behind a wall of the computer screen, sitting in your over-sized underpants, hoping you remembered to brush your teeth this morning -- it's easy to lose sight of the little things you've got going in your own life. It's easy to tell yourself you just need to work harder and maybe you're next. It's easy to start questioning every decision up until now, wondering if they have been stupid or bad or poorly made. It's easy to let silhouettes of hiking men ON BAGS OF NUTS make you feel like a giant loser.
 |
| (30 Rock- NBC) |
And then the Tiny Asian Lady of your life pops up -
Soddy!
She's there to remind you we've all got sh*t to do; and if you don't stay focused, she's there to swoop in and get what she needs first. To bring you back in the moment to remind you why you're standing there in the first place. To get you out of your own head. You can either try to avoid her or accomplish what you came to do in spite of knowing she's going to try to get in your way. And she's not all bad - when you're vulnerable and not afraid to admit it, she'll help you.
At least that's what I got out of the experience.
The truth is I'm THE only person to hold accountable for letting myself implode. I've deluded myself into thinking I need to pile on more work and tasks and projects because that's what's going to get me to the next step. That what I need to do isn't going to be - and shouldn't be - fun and joyful because that's the end result of it all ("work" is "work" for a reason, right?). In reality, it's just distracted me from really making plans and doing what I feel like I'm supposed to do and being honest with the people around me. It's made me anxious and tired and FREAKED OUT. I buried my authentic self under the facade of being "productive" and "busy"....
... and it took a meltdown at the Chanel of grocery stores to figure that out.
To those of you who stuck it out reading this, I'm sorry that I really have nothing to offer you. I can't say I turned my life around and made a powerful life decision and the heavens granted me peace and prosperity.
But I did return to Whole Foods this past weekend. Quietly skimming the aisles for our weekly fare with my handsome darling in tow, I brought with me a new sense of calm, of hope, of being filled with joy to spend the morning uninterrupted by my To Do list surrounded by magical, and kind of weird, foodie goodness. I needed to replace the bad mojo I left in there; I think I did it.
And I swear the hiker silhouette gave me a wink.
Since then, it's been easier to see what the vision for my life is - and get serious about making decisions towards that, accepting my own responsibility for how it turns out. Asking for help. Taking time to research and get excited about the possibilities. Again, it's not easy - but easier.
 |
| (source unknown) |
With that, may you all enjoy a wonderful summer.
I'm counting on a proper sunburn and one-too-many margaritas myself.
And maybe a little soul-searching.
(Is that better before or after margaritas?)
Hugs & High Five,
C
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